The Balance Between Support and Responsibility
In a conversation with one of my colleagues, I was struck by the difference in our philosophies as to how much we should help our clients in an aspect of our healing process that can be challenging. She is a champion of self-responsibility, whereas I am a champion of support. She finds that clients succeed when they are pushed to take responsibility for themselves, and I find that clients succeed when I help them do things that are difficult for them. This discussion sparked a deep inquiry: how do support and responsibility relate? Is one better than the other? After a lot of thinking, it became clear that both are important, but each has a dark side. A magical combination can lead to the best outcomes, but trauma makes achieving this balance difficult.
As someone who was pushed to achieve as a child, which in many cases meant ignoring my needs and forcing myself to do things that I hated, the word responsibility is triggering for me. I didn’t know that I was neurodivergent, and this posed challenges for me that others did not have, and I often felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough. Though I achieved reasonable success in school by convincing myself something terrible would happen if I didn’t succeed, in adulthood I pushed myself to the point that I developed a debilitating anxiety disorder. In the Responsibility-Support matrix, I fell into the lower-right quadrant of high responsibility with low support, which results in overburdening. To be clear, my parents loved me and supported me in many ways. But there was some element of support that was missing, despite their best efforts, which resulted in me feeling alone and overburdened. Many people end up in this quadrant because support that is effective for others is not effective for them. Responsibility without adequate support results in burnout from excessive stress, self-hatred for not being able to keep up, needless competition with others, resentment toward those who succeed, and wasted effort and resources from having to effectively reinvent the wheel and figure out everything on your own. Even when people do succeed despite the lack of support, it is often at the expense of their mental and physical health.
However, support without responsibility leads to equally undesirable outcomes, namely dependence. This quadrant represents a state where individuals receive ample support but are not required to take responsibility for themselves. This dynamic can lead to a host of negative effects, such as stagnation and lack of personal growth, as individuals are not challenged to develop their skills or initiative. Over time, this can create a dependency culture, where people become overly reliant on support systems, leading to reduced self-esteem and a diminished sense of personal agency. It’s also very wasteful to provide help to people who don’t try to better themselves. Both overburdening and dependence are wasteful in their own ways.
A lack of both responsibility and support could be called neglect. Individuals in this quadrant experience apathy and disengagement, as there is little motivation to strive for improvement or change. The absence of support can lead to social isolation, where individuals feel disconnected from their peers. This environment often breeds underachievement, as there is neither the encouragement nor the expectation to reach one’s potential. Over time, the lack of purpose or direction can engender feelings of hopelessness, leaving individuals stuck in a cycle of inaction and despair.
But what if we could combine support and responsibility? What if individuals were challenged to achieve, but supported in the process according to their needs? This is called empowerment. In this environment, people are set up to succeed, knowing they have the resources and backing to take on responsibility effectively. This dynamic fosters creativity and innovation, as individuals feel safe to explore new ideas and take calculated risks. The result is resilience and a positive feedback loop of success, but also well-being, which is crucial for having a good quality of life.
However, there is a major obstacle to empowerment, which is trauma. Trauma is not just rare tragedies you see in the news; it is the very common hurts and wounds that reduce a person’s self-esteem, create feelings of scarcity and separation, and impose limiting beliefs about what is possible, all of which increase the need for support and make it difficult to take on responsibility. In my case, my mother dying from cancer just after I finished college added a constant undercurrent of sadness and despair that severely limited my ability to deal with life’s challenges. No matter how much support I received, I always felt like I needed more. When I finally figured out how to heal the trauma of losing her, I immediately felt far more capable. I was even able to face my fears of leaving the “safety” of corporate jobs and switch my career to helping people heal trauma.
Healing trauma is the key to empowerment. Resolving the underlying emotional and psychological issues that create a need for support and make responsibility difficult allows a person to achieve greater productivity while consuming fewer resources. The less people are burdened with feelings of scarcity, separation, and fear, the easier it is to collaborate, take calculated risks, and achieve goals. On a societal level, greater productivity while consuming fewer resources allows for surpluses that can be used to provide a higher standard of living. Everyone wins. Contributing to this effort is a big part of my larger vision as a practitioner.
Whether on an individual, family, company, or societal level, the interplay between support and responsibility is not a matter of choosing one over the other, but rather of finding the right balance that fosters success. Both extremes—overburdening people with responsibility without support, and providing too much support without requiring responsibility—can lead to a host of bad outcomes. However, when we cultivate an environment of empowerment, where individuals are supported in their responsibilities and given the tools to grow, we unlock creativity, resilience, and well-being. Healing trauma is central to this process, as unresolved pain keeps people stuck in cycles of dependence or struggle. By addressing the obstacles to empowerment, we can enable ourselves to flourish. If you’re ready to start your journey toward empowerment, I’m here to support you. Together, we can help create a healthier, more balanced future for all.
