Love-Bombing: When Affection Feels Like a Trap
If you google "love-bombing", you’ll find accounts of people who have been manipulated and emotionally abused by narcissists. These stories usually follow a pattern: an intense rush of affection, overwhelming compliments, excessive gifts, and declarations of love too soon—all followed by emotional withdrawal, control, or outright cruelty. In addition to malicious individuals using love-bombing to lure in their victims, well-meaning but insecure people with poor boundaries who don’t know how to form healthy connections often use elements of love-bombing in their attempt to form bonds. If you’ve been affected by love-bombing in the past or think you might be experiencing it with someone in your life, this article will help you recognize it, understand why you might be susceptible to it, and learn the best way to naturally steer clear of it.
Signs of Love-Bombing
Love-bombing can be subtle or overwhelming, but some common signs include:
Excessive compliments and adoration early on – Before you’ve really gotten to know each other, they already think you're their soulmate.
Fast-moving relationship pace – They want immediate commitment and push for an intense emotional bond right away, and often physical intimacy as well.
Over-the-top gifts and gestures – Lavish gifts, extravagant dates, or abundant attention to win your trust quickly.
Constant communication and neediness – Texting or calling incessantly, expecting you to always be available.
Over-promising and grand declarations – They promise a perfect future together before you’ve built a solid foundation.
Sudden withdrawal or controlling behavior – After securing your attachment, they start pulling away, demanding more, or making you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
If you recognize many of these red flags with someone in your life, talk to someone you trust. Truly malicious narcissists are not as common as it may seem, given the current popularity of “narcissist” as a label for anyone who is selfish or manipulative, but they do exist, and can cause serious harm.
The Unintentional Love-Bomber
Not all love-bombers are manipulative masterminds. Some are simply insecure individuals who lack emotional regulation or self-worth. They believe that if they pour enough affection onto you, they will get the connection or validation they crave. These people aren’t necessarily abusive, and will generally use only one or two elements of love-bombing in their attempt to connect and become closer. However, their actions can still cause harm and emotional distress. If you’re dating or otherwise interacting with someone who seems like a good person but is moving much faster than feels comfortable to you, here are some ways to tell whether they are worth keeping around:
If you assert a boundary, such as wanting to move slower with touch, physical intimacy, or frequency of seeing each other, do they get angry or try to talk you out of it, or do they adjust their behavior?
If you have a problem with something they’re doing, do they make you feel like you’re wrong or being a downer, or do they listen and have a discussion about how to find a solution?
Do you constantly feel pressure to get closer with them, even if they deny it, or do you feel like they are fine being at a distance that feels comfortable to you?
Do they have their own desires, interests, feelings, and opinions, or do they just agree with everything you say and claim to like everything you like?
Have they done therapy or relationship coaching? Are they willing to look at themselves and to grow and change, even if it’s uncomfortable?
The reason I bring this up is that I have been on both sides of the equation when it comes to using affection to influence people. Looking back, I was very insecure, neurodivergent, and never had dating modeled for me. I was told by at least one person that I was manipulative, and I can see why – I was overly eager and attentive at first, and then as we got closer and the responsibilities of a relationship began to sink in, my intimacy issues flared up and I distanced myself. On the other end of the spectrum, a woman I met in a singing group kept texting me constantly and then accused me of abandoning her when I didn’t want to spend time together. I felt intense pressure to get closer to her, and I felt like a bad person for asserting my boundaries. In yet another relationship, the person and I alternated various elements of love-bombing and pulling away, which would have turned out even worse than the first two examples except that I had just started relationship coaching and she was willing to join me. Nine years of coaching, lots of therapy, and 14 years of relationship later, we are happily married.
It’s great that things worked out for me and my wife, and it shows that anything is possible with the right kind of support and a willingness to use it, but it took a lot. People generally don’t recognize how much trauma they have (I certainly didn’t) and don’t realize that it attracts other people who have trauma. Love-bombers—whether malicious or merely insecure—are people who themselves have wounds they are trying to compensate for through external validation. If your wounds remain unhealed, you may unconsciously attract partners who complement them in unhealthy ways. For that reason, healing, guidance, and support are critical.
The Real Issue: A Faulty Guidance System
The real problem with love-bombing isn’t just that it happens, but that we are susceptible to it in the first place. The question is, why?
People who are susceptible to love-bombing have an internal guidance system that is faulty when it comes to receiving affection. Our emotional compass gives erroneous or ambiguous signals because of how we were raised, things we’ve experienced, or witnessing unhealthy relationship models. This makes it difficult to distinguish between genuine affection and manipulation. Instead of recognizing the red flags, we feel drawn toward the high-intensity attention that love-bombers provide.
Emotional Wounds That Make You Vulnerable
If you find yourself easily pulled into love-bombing dynamics, it may be because of:
Childhood Neglect or Emotional Deprivation – If you grew up feeling unseen or unloved, excessive attention can feel intoxicating instead of suspicious.
Intermittent Reinforcement from Past Relationships – If love was given and then taken away unpredictably (by a parent, caregiver, or partner), your nervous system may mistake instability for passion.
Codependency and Low Self-Worth – If you don’t feel valuable on your own, the validation of an intense suitor may fill that void (but at a cost).
Unresolved Abandonment Wounds – If you fear being alone, you'll cling to a person who gives you that feeling of closeness, even if something feels off.
Early Exposure to Manipulation – If you were raised in an environment where manipulation was the norm, your instincts may not warn you when it’s happening again.
Understanding how your personal and family history has shaped you, knowing how your unmet needs for affection can influence you, and recognizing the signs of love-bombing, can help you notice when you are being manipulated or influenced to move forward too quickly.
The Best Solution: Healing from Within
The good news is, you don’t have to rely on spotting red flags. The most reliable strategy for avoiding any kind of manipulation is to heal the wounds that make you susceptible to it. After uncovering and resolving them, your inner guidance system will naturally improve. You’ll develop an internal sense of safety, which means you’ll no longer crave external validation at any cost. Instead of feeling drawn to intensity, you’ll be attracted to stable, mutual, and authentic relationships.
I don’t just teach people how to recognize love-bombing—I help them heal the deeper issues that make it appealing in the first place. Using Peak States Therapy, we can permanently eliminate the emotional patterns that make you vulnerable to this type of unhealthy dynamic. You won’t have to second-guess whether someone's affection is real—you’ll simply know. You’ll feel a natural pull toward people who genuinely care, without the need for exaggerated gestures or manipulation.
If you're ready to shift your relationship patterns, I can help. The solution isn’t about vigilance, it’s about healing. And when you heal, you won’t have to try to avoid love-bombers. They simply won’t be appealing anymore.
